Humor Quotations - Top 35 Funny Quotations by Famous Comedians

"Education is worth a whole lot. Just think - with enough education and brains the average man would make a good lawyer - and so would the average lawyer."
-- Grace Allen (Gracie)

"It"s foolish to bet on a horse without talking to him first. I know it seems silly to ask a horse who"s going to win a race - but it"s no sillier than asking anyone else."
-- Grace Allen (Gracie)

"Build a better mousetrap than your neighbour and Kraft Cheese will beat a path to your door."
-- Grace Allen (Gracie)

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
-- George Burns

"Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can"t remember if it"s the thirteenth or fourteenth."
-- George Burns

"For forty years my act consisted of one joke. And then she died."
-- George Burns

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring close-knit family in another city."
-- George Burns

"Nice to be here? At my age it"s nice to be anywhere."
-- George Burns

"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place."
-- Johnny Carson

"Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn"t grow up can be vice president."
-- Johnny Carson

"Happiness is your dentist telling you it won"t hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill."
-- Johnny Carson

"I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food."
-- Johnny Carson

"The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money."
-- Johnny Carson

"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry."
Bill Cosby

""Don"t worry about senility," my grandfather used to say. "When it hits you, you won"t know it.""
Bill Cosby

"Fatherhood is telling your daughter that Michael Jackson loves all his fans, but has special feelings for the ones who eat broccoli."
Bill Cosby

"Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit."
Bill Cosby

"I wasn"t always black... There was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger."
Bill Cosby

"Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first."
Bill Cosby

"I love being married. It"s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
-- Rita Rudner

"I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don"t know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I"ll break up with someone on purpose."
-- Rita Rudner

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They"ve experienced pain and bought jewelry."
-- Rita Rudner

"I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them."
-- Rita Rudner

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
-- Rita Rudner

"Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other.""
-- Rita Rudner

"I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you"ll hit it."
-- Jerry Seinfeld

"No face, mouth open ... that is how the drug companies see the public."
-- Jerry Seinfeld

"On the side of box of my superman costume it actually said - "Do not attempt to fly!""
-- Jerry Seinfeld

"People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to."
-- Jerry Seinfeld

"The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it"s so much fun."
-- Jerry Seinfeld

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
-- Steven Wright

"I bought some batteries, but they weren"t included. So I had to buy them again."
-- Steven Wright

"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
-- Steven Wright

"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"
-- Steven Wright

"Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here.""
-- Steven Wright

Resource Box - Danielle Hollister (2005) is the Publisher of BellaOnline Quotations Zine
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