How a Three Letter Word Kills Good Relationships

"You know, I really do love fish!"

My friend Steve came up with this profound comment as wewere about to tuck into the gastronomic offerings before usin a crowded downtown restaurant. I raised my eyebrows.

Well, on the face of it, Steve sure wasn"t kidding. He lostno time in matching words with action as he attacked theluscious fried sole with cream sauce with unbelievablegusto.

But I know my friend is a philosopher at heart, and I wasn"tgoing to let him get away with it so easily.

"Steve," I said. "You"re doing a great job withthat fish. Ienvy your efficiency. But..."

"But what?"

"What do you mean that you LOVE it?"

"I sure do," Steve assured me. "Could eat itfor breakfast lunch and supper. I believe I could almost live on it."

"Yeah," I retorted. "And for the sake of yourunquenchablelove, the lives of how many fish are sniffed out every day?Steve, you don"t love FISH. You love YOURSELF."

And my friend was forced to admit I was right.

Now, let"s switch focus a bit. Let"s talk a little aboutPete, another good friend of mine.

(OK, OK, I"ll come clean. In real life, I don"t have afriend called Steve nor one called Pete. If I did, Iwouldn"t be gossiping about them like this, would I? I hategossip. Fortunately, though, I"ve a reasonably goodimagination, and I"m trying to put across some prettyimportant concepts here...

Forgive me? Good...)

Couple who are always squabbling

Pete has been married for ten years or more, and he and hisgood wife, Jane are almost always squabbling.

To tell the truth, I"ve never known anything like it. It"seither he insulting her, or she insulting him. In private orpublic, it seems to make little difference; each trying tofind a juicier epithet still to hurl at the other.

And yet...

Ever since I"ve known him, Pete has been protesting that heloves Jane dearly. And you know something? He does. I shouldknow. He"s MY friend.

True, at one time, I was skeptical. If Pete said he lovedhis wife, I could hardly doubt it, but I thought it was likeSteve and his beloved fish. Now I know better.

Good - so how do I know? Alright, I"ll tell you.

A few years ago, something of a medical nature wasapparently bothering Jane a bit, so off she went to herdoctor for a check-up. She wasn"t expecting anythingparticularly dramatic, but what she heard from the physicianthat day was a bombshell, to put it very mildly.

"Jane, I don"t like to frighten you, but this is lifethreatening. Very , very serious. However, time is still onour side. The next two months will be critical. You mustfollow the treatment program to the letter, and get plentyof rest. And keep praying..."

Do you think there was any bickering in Steve and Jane"shousehold during the following two months? Not on your life!

Blissful feeling of intimacy

Pete"s single-minded concern for his wife"s health andcomfort, if predictable, was complete. And if a pain wrackedJane did allow an occasional hurtful remark to pass herlips, he found it pretty easy to ignore it.

Ironically, this was, in some ways, the happiest period ofthe marriage. A blissful feeling of intimacy, such asneither partner had ever dreamed possible, enveloped theunsuspecting couple. Pete"s obsession with Jane"s welfareleft him with no time for extraneous thoughts, and Jane"sappreciation and admiration grew stronger day by day.

Two month"s later, they were back at the doctor"s. Can youimagine the overwhelming relief when he pronounced: "Thedanger"s over!"?

Business as usual...

And the next day - business as usual! Petty bickering,name-calling, all kinds of verbal barbs and arrows. Well, ifthat brings them a little contentment in life...everyone totheir own taste!

But seriously, what makes them do it? Can they really becontented that way? More pointedly, how could a couple thathad reached such great heights slip back overnight?

It all boils down to a critical three-letter word.

We call it the EGO.

Is the Ego really so bad? Not always. If by "ego" wemean"self-esteem", it"s indispensable. Many people say thatwecan"t start to love others until we love ourselves first.That"s perfectly true - IF we"re talking about the rightkind of self-love.

But if my Ego means my needs, my honor, my sensitivities,always come first (and probably middle and last), boy,we"re playing with dynamite!

Sure, Pete loves Jane, and Jane loves Pete. Always did,always will. If one would disappear from the other"s life,he or she would know all about it!

So what"s the problem?

Then what"s the problem? Why does it take a medical crisisto create a little bit of peace and harmony in their home?What prevents this at other times?

And what about US? What blocks the harmony that we seek inour homes, the peaceful cooperation we want in ourworkplaces?

The Ego that insists that I"m right, that will not yield onthe most trivial issue. The Ego that demands the honorthat"s due to me. The Ego that pursues justice at all costs,irrespective of everything it knocks down on the way!

And for the sake of that pompous ass of an Ego, we"reprepared to sacrifice everything!

Azriel Winnett is creator of Hodu.com - Your Communication Skills Portal. This popular free website helps you improve your communication and relationship skills in your business or professional life, in the family unit and on the social scene. New articles added almost daily.